The Role of Parenting Style in Shaping Emotional Intelligence
As a therapist, I often find myself reflecting on how my own parents, and the parents of many people I’ve worked with in my practice, handled emotions and conflict. It’s clear that much of what felt perfectly “normal” growing up turned out to be ways our parents were steering clear of tough emotional work.
Emotional Reserve: A Boomer Approach
Boomer parents have a reputation for a certain emotional reserve, often avoiding vulnerability in favor of keeping the peace or maintaining an image of strength. This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame on an entire generation; most parents are imperfect, but their well-meaning strategies sometimes end up coming across as dismissive, emotionally distant, or downright avoidant.
1. Ignoring Emotions
A common approach was to rarely talk about feelings. Many of us grew up in households where emotions, especially negative ones, were either glossed over or outright shut down. Boomer parents often believed in presenting a stiff upper lip and keeping the harder feelings hidden, especially in front of the kids.
Example:
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Did you ever hear the phrase “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about”? If so, you’re not alone.
2. Relying on “Tough Love”
“tough love” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot. It often involves strict discipline, high expectations, and an emphasis on self-reliance from a young age. In moderation, structure and accountability can be beneficial. However, some boomer parents took “tough love” to the point where empathy and emotional nurturing were seen as weaknesses.
Example:
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I remember a client once telling me she was sent away to summer camp immediately after her parents’ divorce. She didn’t get an explanation, no heart-to-heart, just a pat on the back and a “You’ll be fine.” She was left feeling confused and alone at a time when she needed emotional support.
3. Sweeping Issues Under the Rug
Another common avoidant strategy was the refusal to talk about family issues: maybe there was an uncle struggling with addiction, a sibling dealing with mental health challenges, or marital conflicts that brewed beneath the surface. The boomer approach often was: “We don’t discuss that—especially not in front of the kids.”
Example:
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On the surface, this might have seemed like a way to protect children from adult problems. But what really happened was that kids sensed something was off, saw the tension, and learned that uncomfortable topics were taboo. Avoiding Conflict
Some boomer parents, eager to keep the peace, took conflict avoidance to the next level. Instead of openly arguing—or even having a calm discussion—they’d quickly drop the subject, change the channel, or pretend everything was “fine, fine, fine.”
Example:
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In my own household growing up, I remember how any argument would almost instantly fade into uncomfortable silence, never to be revisited. As a kid, I assumed that was normal. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized I had to train myself to deal with disagreements head-on—otherwise, every conflict felt catastrophic.
5. Downplaying Mental Health
Mental health conversations have become more open now, but go back a few decades, and the boomer approach was often to keep concerns hush-hush. Therapy was sometimes dismissed as something only “seriously troubled” people needed, and admitting you were overwhelmed or depressed could be met with a “Just toughen up, it’ll pass.”
Example:
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I’ve worked with individuals who remember their mothers quietly whispering about someone’s “nerves” or “exhaustion” rather than calling it anxiety or burnout. Dismissing Children’s Perspectives
Last but not least, many boomer parents held onto the “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality. Requests for explanation or attempts at negotiation were frequently met with the classic “Because I said so.”
Example:
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This approach taught kids that their viewpoints, however valid, didn’t really matter.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others. It’s a vital skill for building strong relationships, communicating effectively, and navigating conflicts. By examining the emotional patterns of boomer parents, we can learn from them and build more emotionally healthy relationships.
Empowerment through Empathy
Empowerment starts with listening—truly listening—to another person’s perspective. When we extend that notion to parenting, it means viewing children as individuals with their own valid emotions and opinions.
Conclusion
We can’t go back in time and change how the boomer generation parented—or how we were parented. What we can do is recognize where some of those approaches fell short and aim for a more open, less avoidant way of raising children and relating to each other. By shining a light on these past tendencies, we can learn from them and give ourselves—and those around us—the gift of being truly heard, seen, and supported.
| Key Takeaways | Explanations |
|---|---|
| Emotional reserve is a common trait among boomer parents, often avoiding vulnerability in favor of maintaining an image of strength. | This approach can sometimes come across as dismissive, emotionally distant, or avoidant. |
| Boomer parents often ignored emotions, especially negative ones, and rarely talked about feelings. | This approach can teach children to hide what they really feel and lead to emotional problems later in life. |
| “Tough love” was often used to emphasize self-reliance, but sometimes empathy and emotional nurturing were seen as weaknesses. | This can lead to a lack of emotional support and a sense of vulnerability. |
| Boomer parents often swept issues under the rug, refusing to discuss family problems in front of the kids. | This can lead to confusion, shame, or guilt in children. |
| Some boomer parents avoided conflict, dropping the subject or pretending everything was “fine, fine, fine.” | This can prevent children from learning how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way. |
| Mental health conversations were often dismissed as something only “seriously troubled” people needed. | This can lead to a lack of understanding and support for mental health issues. |
| Boomer parents often dismissed children’s perspectives, teaching them that their viewpoints didn’t matter. | This can lead to low self-esteem and difficulty advocating for oneself. |
Creating a More Emotionally Intelligent Future
By recognizing where the boomer generation’s emotional patterns fell short, we can aim for a more open, less avoidant way of raising children and relating to each other. Here are a few key takeaways:
Self-Awareness is Key
Self-awareness is the first step toward meaningful change. By staying mindful of how we approach emotions, conflict, and communication, we can break the cycles of avoidance we might have inherited.
Empowerment through Empathy
Empowerment starts with listening—truly listening—to another person’s perspective.
Conclusion
By recognizing where some of those approaches fell short and aiming for a more open, less avoidant way of raising children and relating to each other, we can give ourselves—and those around us—the gift of being truly heard, seen, and supported.
